now i see what i really am was played on 2005-04-23 at 11:39 a.m.:

save me..
save me from the nothing i've become..
call my name and save me from the dark...
don't leave me here, by myself..i can't breathe..

i'm tired of not being able to write what i really think in here..for fear of breaking someone, or in my xanga..i'm sorry i can't do it..i won't censor it..if you don't want to know..dont' read...

the more ...hm...the way things are going right now...i'm just so totally torn...

i talked to him for a while..then i fell asleep on the couch..and wake up at 9:30 to my mom screaming at me that she refusues to fill out my fafsa..there by dashing all my hopes for college...

what the fuck..does everyone have it in for me...can't ppl see that i'm in a hard place right now and i'm trying to figure things out..but i'm at my limit of stress.. my needs are important! i cant cant cant be everything..i want to ..but i can't... this is about me..what i want..it has nothing to do with anyone else...but i just can't forgo everyone elses feelings..dammit why do i have to care so much...

i woke up with a fever. stress has finally won me. i feel like crap..like crying bc it seems like no one is on my side..i have to work today..

i'm so scared.. of being hurt..being alone..not being alone...i'm so selfish..i can't ever..give myself to anyone...there is always a secret..something i'm not telling them...bc i'm scared they will reject me..i don't think i can bear the thought of not being wanted...i've been so used to being alone...i don't know how to give...myself..i just..dont want to hurt anymore..but no matter what i do..my heart aches..feels like i would die...hurt so much to hurt you...

this is going to sound really...unlike me...i'm don't ever ask for it...but i would really appreciate some prayers..just guidance..i know what i'm going to decide...i need to know it is the right thing.. i really need to be strong and support my decision...i just hope he will win them over eventally...

can u give up the thought of all happiness to thwart the lingering doubts of pain?

i'm so..naive..is this for real? can this really be happening...
want to jump ahead like 5 years..i'm so tired of being here, supressed by all my childish fears.. this pain is just too real..

this is being longer than i originally intended..i apologize..wish i could paste it other places...i guess i'm secretive in my own way..

lies -evanescence

Bound at every limb by my shackles of fear
Sealed with lies through so many tears
Lost from within, pursuing the end
I fight for the chance to be lied to again

You will never be strong enough
You will never be good enough
You were never conceived in love
You will not rise above

They'll never see
I'll never be
I'll struggle on and on to feed this hunger
Burning deep inside of me

But through my tears breaks a blinding light
Birthing a dawn to this endless night
Arms outstretched, awaiting me
An open embrace upon a bleeding tree

Rest in me and I'll comfort you
I have lived and I died for you
Abide in me and i vow to you
I will never forsake you

its amazing how evanescence just..rocks...

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